Book of Absolutely Everything You Wanted To Know
by Forgotten in Shadows
Summary: When Naruto finds a magic notebook that knows everything, what sort of mayhem will unsue? Don't ask me, just read and find out!
1. Chapter 1

Behold! The fruits of boredum are sweet. So sweet infact, I planted the seed of boredum, watered it, gave it plenty of sunlight, and watched it grow into a marvelous boredum tree. And when the fruits of boredum finally grew, I ate one. Nothing happened. Then, one of them fell from the tree, hit me on the head, and gave me this idea. Yay.

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto is used to many odd things happening to him. He had a fox sealed in his stomach. Odd. He became a ninja by breaking the rules. Odd. He's been smacked in the head with enough force to send him to next Tuesday too many times to count, and hasn't cracked his skull yet. Defiantly odd. Though, that last one could just be a testament that maybe thick heads are a good thing. But, Uzumaki Naruto can honestly say, that he has never had anything that was not mint to kill him fall from the sky and hit him on the head. 

That is, until this particular moment.

15-year-old Uzumaki Naruto was strolling along the streets of Konaha one warm summer's night. Stomach full of one of the most un-healthy substances on the planet, he was making his way home when he was suddenly knocked off his feet by something smacking the back of his head.

"What the heck!?" Naruto shouted as he picked himself off the ground. Looking around to find he person or thing that hit him, his eyes fell upon a small book on the ground. The simple book intrigued him, so Naruto picked it up. It was nothing more than a slightly dirty composition book. He opened it to a random page, and found it was empty. He flipped through all the pages of the book, absentmindedly wondering why someone would throw an empty notebook at him, when he stumbled upon this message.

**_To:_**_ The finder of this book_

**_From:_**_ The author_

_If you are reading this, you have just fallen into possession of one of the world's greatest objects. This is the Book of Absolutely Everything You Wanted To Know (and some things you didn't). By writing down any question you may have, closing the book, and then opening it again to the same page, you shall find your answer. _

_Be warned though, this book does not tell the future. It only tells what is, and what has been. It shall never run out of pages, and will never stop working, no matter what you do to it. Go ahead and try! Burn it, shred it, rip the pages out one by one. The book will be fine. _

_So go forth! Ask all those questions that are burning in your mind, and find the answers you search. _

Naruto raised an eyebrow. There are some things that are just too hard to believe.

"A magic book?" he asked himself, "As if. This is probably some prank or something." He closed the book and stared at its worn cover for a moment. "Though," he said after a moment, "It can't hurt to just try it out."

Casting a suspicious glance around the street, Naruto slipped the book into his ninja pack and rushed to his apartment. After locking the door and closing all his windows, Naruto brought out the notebook and re-examined it. Absolutely nothing had changed. Satisfied the book was undamaged; Naruto searched his apartment for a pen. Because the natural order states that you can never find a pen when you need one, it took almost ten minutes for Naruto to find something he could write with.

He opened it to the first page, 'Now, what should I ask?' he thought, 'Should I ask something simple?' Being unsure if the book would even work, Naruto wrote down a quite obvious question.

"Will the book really answer me?"

Following the instructions, Naruto closed the book. He stared at its cover for a moment, wondering how long it would take. That is, if it worked at all. After a moment's hesitation, he re-opened the book to the first page.

And was shocked out of his mind.

Underneath his messy hand writing was a message written neatly and clearly:

_"No, this book will not answer you. This is all a dream. You aren't actually reading this message, because books can't write back. OF COURSE IT WILL ANSWER YOU IDIOT!"_

Naruto twitched. Not only was a book answering his question, but it was giving him attitude! He hastily replied.

"Well excuse me for not believing that a ratty old notebook would hold infinite wisdom and be able to actually write back! As far as I knew notebooks don't do that!" He then angrily shut the book and opened it to the same page.

_"Well then why did you even bother to ask me a question? If books don't write back, then it was stupid of you to even try!"_

This made Naruto angry. He quickly replied to this newest message. The conversation went like this:

"Well it did work didn't it? So I was right to ask!"

_"But was the point of asking a book if it would reply? Why not ask something useful? Like 'what is the meaning of life?' or 'how can I get a lot of money?' or even, 'does the girl I like think I'm sexy?' BUT NO! You have to ask 'Will the book really answer me?' That's just pathetic man."_

"I can't believe I'm being criticized by a notebook! This is so stupid!"

_"Then stop asking stupid questions!"_

He angrily shut the notebook after this. There was only so much criticism a guy can take from an inanimate object. Shoving the offending book under his bed, Naruto stripped off his shirt and climbed under his covers, trying to put any thought of the notebook out of his mind.

* * *

Well? Like it? Hate it? I need your feedback! Please review, or I'll have to continue to write a lousy story. 


	2. Chapter 2

Yay! I love all of your reviews! They make me all warm and fuzzy inside. I would have updated sooner, but I just got MySims for the Wii and god it's addicting . Anywho, I'm glad all you guys love the book's sarcastic attitude. Lets see what Naruto does with it now, while I eat more of the fruit of boredom.

* * *

Sunlight streaked through the partially covered windows of Uzumaki Naruto's apartment. As the rays of sunlight fell on his unruly blonde hair, the boy groggily got up. Naruto sat on his bed, wondering if the entire experience with the magic book had been nothing but a dream.

'Of course it was a dream,' Naruto thought, 'books don't write!' shaking his head at his own imagination, the teenager stood from his bed and began towards his kitchen. Halfway there, he stopped. Curiosity getting the better of him, he walked back over to his bed and hesitantly looked under it.

On the floor was one (dusty) composition book.

Naruto then promptly did what any rational person would do. He flipped out.

"It wasn't a dream!" he shouted, "I've got a freaking all-knowing notebook under my bed! How was that not a dream!?" All the while everyone's favorite blonde was running in circles around his apartment. He then stopped, "Wait," he said, "how do I know that THIS isn't a dream?" He then surveyed his room, as if looking for a dancing bear, or hoard of lawn gnomes, or something that would signify that he was still asleep.

Finding none to the previously mentioned stuff, he then did what anyone else would do to check if they were dreaming. He pinched himself. Quite hard actually, not that he meant to of course, it's just that he was sort of freaking out. Needless to say it hurt, so he knew he wasn't dreaming.

After a few minutes of hyperventilating, Naruto finally calmed down and reached under his bed to grab the notebook. He opened it, seeing the author's notice, and his own discussion with the notebook the night before. He inwardly twitched, remembering the book's comments. Still, just because someone was a jerk to you doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends with them! …..Wait, maybe it does…. Oh well, it was too early in the morning to be wondering about these things. Besides, it's not like a simple thing like a sarcastic allknowing composition notebook was going to stop Uzumaki Naruto!

After finding the pen he had used last night, and heating himself a cup of ramen, Naruto sat down with the notebook and wrote a question.

"What am I supposed to call you?"

He then closed and reopened the notebook for it's response.

_"The Book of Absolutely Everything You Wanted To Know (and some things you didn't). That's kind of my title genius." _

"Well that's a long name! I'm not going to write 'The Book of Absolutely Everything You Wanted To Know (and some things you didn't)' every time I'm talking to you. Don't you have a shorter name?"

_"Well I'm sorry my name doesn't fit your attention span. Not much I can do about it now!" _

"Why don't you just change your name?"

_"Well why don't you! I mean, who name's there kid Swirly Fish-cake anyway?" _

"How do you know what my name is? And it's maelstrom! Maelstrom!"

_"Hello! Book of Absolutely Everything?! Duh I'm going to know what your name is!" _

"**Kuchi" **

**_"What what now?" _**

****

**"I think I'll call you Kuchi. Short for kuchigawarui(1)." **

**_"Oh thanks, I really want to be called Kuchi." _**

****

**Naruto snickered at the book's, of should he say Kuchi's, obvious unhappiness. Then, he was hit (no not literally) with a thought. **

**"If you know everything, why didn't you know I was going to call you Kuchi?" **

**_"….Shut up."__

* * *

_ **

(1) Kuchigawarui means Sarcastic. I thought it would be appropriate, plus, Kuchi is a silly name :3

Will Kuchi come to accept it's new name? Does it really know EVERYTHING? Will Konaha be invaded by a hoard of lawn gnomes? Find out soon!


	3. Chapter 3

Mwahahaha, this story is getting so many reviews! I love you all! Your reviews are what keep me typing, 'cause otherwise I'd probably be sleeping right now...yay insomnia! ONWARD TO THE STORY!!!

* * *

Naruto was about to respond to Kuchi's message when he heard a knock. This knock wasn't comming from where you expected it to come from...or from where I think you're guessing it came from. I really can't know now can I? This knock came from the window. Naruto, not the least bit suprised, opened up his window and saw his former sensei sticking to the side of the building.

"Hi Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto greeted him, "What're you doing here?"

"I'm not your sensei anymore Naruto," Kakashi said lightheartedly, "You can stop calling me Kakashi-sensei now."

"I know," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head, "Old habits die hard I guess." Kakashi then gracefully jumped into Naruto's appartment.

"I just stopped by to see how you were doing," Kakashi said as he sat in an extra chair, "You know, making sure you were brushing your teeth, changing your underwear, not dieing from sodium poisoning. The usual."

Naruto visably twitched at Kakashi's remark, "Geese, you sound more like a mother than a sensei," he mumbled to himself. Unfortunatly, Kakashi (with his mad super hearing) heard his statement.

"Now Naruto," The silver-haired man said, "you should be flattered by the amount of concern I'm showing you. And besides, I'd at least be your father because last time I checked I wasn't a woman." As Naruto gaped like a fish out of water, his ex-sensei's only visable eye fell upon the notebook still lying on the table. He idly picked it up and asked, "What's this? Has little Naruto decided to keep a diary?"

"No way Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto protested as he snached Kuchi from the older man's hand.

"Oh, sorry," Kakashi said with a (non-visable smile) "only girls have diaries. So Naruto, is that your _journal_ then?"

Naruto would have snapped back at Kakashi if he wasn't deep in thought. 'Should I tell him about Kuchi?' he thought, 'he would totally think I was crazy...but then again, if I _showed_ him that it works, he would have to believe me. And I can trust sensei...right?' He was abrubtly awakened from his musings by Kakashi waving a hand infront of his face.

"Naruto, you still with me?" the jounin asked, Naruto blinked for a second the nodded, "You zoned out there. So, what's in the notebook?"

Naruto gathered all of his willpower to remain calm and serious while he tried to explain, "I found this notebook the other day when I was coming home from Ichiraku's. I don't know where it came from, but I opened it up and there was this note saying that it was a magic notebook that knew everything. So I was like, 'yeah right, that's stupid' but it was true! I asked it a question, just to test it out, and it answered me Kakashi-sensei! It really works!"

There was a rather awkward silence after that, which was quickly broken by Kakashi, "Naruto, are you sure that wasn't a dream?" Naruto immediatly lost his resolve.

"Of course it wasn't a dream!" he said, a little steamed, "I know what's a dream and what's not!"

"Right, like the time you said you where attacked by evil trees."

"That's different! That dream was really realistic and I had had some bad milk that night and it messed me up. But this is different Kakashi-sensei, this book answers your questions!"

"If you're so sure, would you mind if I tried it out?" Kakashi asked, not believing it for a second. Naruto nodded and handed the notebook and a pen to Kakashi. The jounin opened the book up to a random page, and with a smug smile on his face, wrote a simple question.

"What is my name?"

He then sat back and stared at the page. After a moment, his eyes flickered up to Naruto's face, "Well," he said, "nothing's happening."

"You've gotta close the book, then open it again," Naruto explained. Kakashi sighed and closed the notebook, the reopened it to the same page. Now at this point we must give Naruto some credit. Where he was only shocked stiff when he saw Kuchi resond to his question, Kakashi actually fell out of his chair when he saw the words under his own.

_"Wow, you don't know your own name? That's pretty sad. I mean, sure it's not a common name but I don't think you would be able to easily forget your name if it was Hatake Kakashi. Your parents have a thing for farms or something?"(1)_

Kakashi (after getting back onto his chair) stared at the message for a second. He quickly checked for any type of jutsu being used. Bafled at the lack of any jutsu traces, the copy-ninja looked at the smug face of his former student.

"Naruto, how is this notebook talking to me, and why is it giving me lip?"

* * *

(1) Kuchi is making fun of Kakashi's name. 'Hatake' means 'feild' and 'Kakashi' means 'scarecrow'.

Yes! Kuchi strikes again! What will Kakashi do now that he knows Kuchi isn't all that he seems? How is Kuchi actually talking? Was Naruto really attacked by evil trees? Keep reading and find out!


	4. Chapter 4

Wow, I had a big gap between updates. Weird O.o. Oh, and I was wondering if maybe you reviewers had some questions you would like to ask Kuchi. You know, anything at all! Just ask in your reviews, or you know, you could just pm me or something...JUST GO READ THE STORY!

* * *

Kakashi stared bewilderedly at the notebook in front of him. "Naruto," he began slowly, "What is this thing?" 

Naruto smirked at his one-time sensei, "This is Kuchi," he said, "My all-knowing notebook."

Kakashi looked like he was about to reply (not that we'd know of course) when he paused. He seemed to be pondering the logic of an all knowing notebook, or perhaps he was wondering how such a thing worked. Naruto thought he looked like he was about to share a nugget of his wisdom, maybe something about how stupid it would be to trust a strange talking notebook. The tension grew as Kakashi thought, beads of sweat forming on Naruto's covered forehead.

Kakashi finally spoke, "You named it Kuchi?"

After recovering from the resulting face-fault, Naruto sighed, "Yes Kakashi-sensei, I named it Kuchi."

"And where did you say you found it?"

"It hit me in the back of the head last night."

"Any idea who threw it?"

"Nope. It might have just fallen from the sky for all I know."

Kakashi leaned back in his chair, "Well, since I'm pretty sure that things just don't randomly fall from the sky, that means that somebody wanted to get rid of this thing."

"Maybe they just got fed up with it," Naruto suggested, "I mean, Kuchi is kind of annoying."

At that moment both ninja's noticed the notebook in question slightly vibrating on the table. Naruto glanced at the notebook, then back to Kakashi, then back to the notebook, waiting to see who would crack first and open it up. Kakashi did likewise.

The moment of silence was broken by Kakashi quite loudly clearing his throat, "It _is_ your notebook. I think you should open it."

Hesitantly, Naruto reached forward and lifted the cover of the book. He turned to the last marked page, and saw a short message written.

_"__You know, I don__'__t appreciate being talked about as if I__'__m not here.__"_

Naruto sweat-dropped and slid the book over to Kakashi to read. Kakashi signed in response.

"I guess it does know everything." He said with a sigh. Man was he going to get a headache from this. It didn't help that he'd been woken up early by Anko and her new trumpet that morning. Why did he move next door to her again? And then there was his horoscope. Maybe he should have taken "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE TODAY!" a _little_ more seriously….

Kakashi was interrupted from his musings by a suddenly nervous looking Naruto.

"Err, Kakashi-sensei. Aren't you late for something?" Naruto asked hurriedly.

Kakashi gave him a blank stare.

"…okay, stupid question. But I mean, you're a busy guy right?" Naruto asked with a smile, "You must have _something_ you need to do around this time."

Kakashi shook his head, "nope, no missions today. I've already run all my errands, and visited the memorial stone twice."

Naruto quickly got up from his seat and rushed over to his sensei, "Well why don't you go again? I mean, dead people get lonely too right? Besides, you came to check on me and you can see I'm fine. So why don't you head out?" all the while Naruto was steadily dragging Kakashi towards the door. The jonin sweat dropped.

"I'm getting the feeling I'm not wanted here," he muttered under his breath.

"Of course you are!" Naruto said with fake cheerfulness, "I just remembered I have to do that thing at the place, and I don't want for you to have to wait in my apartment." Naruto laughed nervously as they reached the door, "Well it was nice you to drop by! We should do this again sometime okay? BYE!" and with that, he pushed Kakashi out the doorway and slammed the door behind him.

Naruto pressed his ear up to the door, listening for any sign his sensei was still there. After a short moment, he heard Kakashi's footsteps as he wondered away from the apartment. As soon as the footsteps had faded entirely, an evil grin spread across naruto's face.

He quickly locked the door and rushed to do the same with the windows. Blinds were drawn, and shutters were closed. Satisfied that he could not be seen, Naruto sat back down in front of Kuchi and giggled manically.

"Now," he said as he picked up his pen, "let's see what this baby can do."

* * *

MWAHAHAHAHA!!! You just KNOW Naruto's gonna dig up some _serious _dirt on the unsuspecting citizens of Konoha. What chaos will insue?


	5. Chapter 5

I love you reviewers, you make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm trying to make the chapters a little longer, but I just can't think up any other stuff to put in each chapter. Sorry guys! Keep sending in your questions! I have to keep Kuchi busy or else he'll start shooting of his sarcastic comments at me. Hope you like the chapter!

* * *

Bringing his pen down onto the paper, Naruto paused. What should he ask?

'I should ask about someone's secrets,' he thought, 'But who?' He then began to go through the mental check list of people he could get some dirt on.

A smile that would have half of Konoha running in fear spread across his face. 'Neji,' he thought, 'he'll do perfectly.'

Refocusing on Kuchi, Naruto wrote: "What's Hyuuga Neji's biggest secret?" and closed the notebook.

Reopening it, he found this message.

_"Finally using me to get dirt on others? Tisk tisk Naruto, seeking to embarrass other people is not nice." _

Naruto sweatdropped.

_"Hyuuga Neji__'s hair is not naturally brown. He dyes it." _

That got his attention. Neji dyes his hair? What could our broody little Hyuuga be hinding?

"What's his natural hair color?"

_"Green."_

Naruto fell of his chair laughing hysterically. Hyuuga Neji, THE Hyuuga Neji's natural hair color was _green?_ This he had to see.

Hiding Kuchi once again underneath his bed, Naruto ran out his door towards the Hyuuga manor.

After dashing haphazardly through the streets of Konaha, Naruto finally arrived at the front gate of the Hyuuga home. He was greeted by a branch-house member he didn't recognize.

"Is Neji here?" Naruto asked the man. The man nodded.

"Indeed, if you wait here, I'll go get him." The man walked into the house. Naruto was left standing in front of the manor, tapping his foot impatiently, bubbling with barley-hidden excitement.

A few minutes later (far too long for Naruto's liking) Neji appeared at the door.

"Naruto?" Neji said, "What do you need?"

"Hey Neji," Naruto said, holding back his laughter, "I was just wondering if you could lend me some hair dye."

Neji remained calm, though his eye did twitch a little. Naruto had to hand it to this guy, he could keep his composure.

"Why would I have hair dye?" Neji asked, voice slightly strained, "And why would you need it?"

Naruto almost laughed out loud. Almost. "I might be going on an under cover mission soon, and using hendge would take up too much chakra," he explained. Oh yeah, Naruto could think up some pretty good lies. "And I was just wondering if you could lend me yours."

Neji narrowed his eyes, "I have no reason to have hair dye, why don't you just go buy some."

This time Naruto did laugh, but it was a small chuckle, "Come on Neji, I know that hair color's not natural. Though I can understand why you dye it, wouldn't want to match with Lee's body suit now would we?"

Faster then the eye could blink, Neji had shot forward and grabbed Naruto roughly by the shoulders, "Who told you," he asked menacingly.

"I have my sources," Naruto said with an amused smirk on his face. Neji's eyes narrowed.

"What are you up to?"

Naruto pouted, "I'm hurt Neji!" he said, feigning distress "How could you think I was planning to embarrass you?"

Neji's eyes just narrowed more. His face was so serious. Naruto found it hilarious.

"This conversation never happened," Neji said in a quiet, but menacing voice as he let go of Naruto's shoulders. He turned on his heel and began making his way back into his home.

"Sure sure Neji," Naruto said giggling, "Just get back to me about that hair dye yeah?"

Naruto had to quickly dodge the rock thrown at his head.

* * *

Once again, sorry I can't make it longer. 

**Kuchi****'s answers to everything: **

**Basketofseals,** Gaara's skin is pale 'cause he's a freaky little emo boy, and all emo boys are pale….and I guess his sand armor would stop him from getting a tan. People call it the 3 year time-skip 'cause they're lazy and don't feel like saying "I so much prefer the way so-and-so looks like after the 2-and-a-half year time-skip." And lastly, the name Kazama Arashi is the name everyone thought was written on the frog summoning scroll. In reality it was just a bunch of squiggly lines, but the fangirls had to have their Nancy Drew moment and feel like they had solved a great mystery.

**The.7th.Winged.Baron,** you came up with the weirdest questions. And I can't say your real name online, because there's always the chance there's a crazy pedophile reading this that might try to find out more about you. See the logic in this? On to ridiculous question number 1: absolutely no insects have ears. Not that they don't hear of course, but they don't have 'ears' as humans would perceive them. If I were you, I'd be more worried about an insect getting into _your_ ear. Though…something tells me you'd be more upset if a bug got on your cookie, though you'd probably still eat it. Ridiculous question number 2: About 1 of the world population has naturally red hair, most living in Scotland. Blond hair occurrs in approximately 2 of the world population, due to it being a recessive gene. Most of the world has black hair, followed by brown. Ridiculous question number 3: Naruto's mother is a tallish red-head with blue eyes. Ridiculous question number 4: The most commonly used hair color in Naruto is brown hair (this is taking into consideration all the random characters that appear in the background). 


	6. Haha, this one actually has a name

Wow, I got so many reviews! And so many questions for Kuchi! I feel loved (basks in warm fuzzy feeling). Okay, I'm done. Sorry it took so long for this, and that it's still short. I seriously am having a hard time trying to think of anything funny . 

* * *

After his little visit with Neji, our blonde hero returned to his apartment to cackle evilly. Neji had reacted better than he could have hoped. Who knew he was so sensitive about his appearance? 

"Man," Naruto said to no one in particular, "Neji can sure act like a girl sometimes." This statement was followed by even more cackling. That is, until he was once again interrupted by a knock. This time on his door.

Abruptly ending his evil laughter, Naruto opened his door to see an ANBU in a cat mask.

"Uzumaki Naruto, the Hokage requests your pressance." Was all the ANBU said before disappearing in a poof of smoke. Naruto groaned.

"Ah, what does Baa-chan want now!?" he muttered under his breath as he one again left his apartment. After a few minutes of jumping from roof to roof, he arrived at the Hokage tower.

"Come in," Naruto heard Tsunade say after he knocked on her office door. He entered her office with a frown.

"What do you want Baa-chan," Naruto said irritably, "I was in the middle of some-"He was cut off as a book was thrown at his head.

"ADDRESS YOUR HOKAGE WITH RESPECT!" the agitated Tsunade said, er, yelled at our hapless blonde ninja. She then sat down at her desk as Naruto got to his feet with a groan, "Now, the reason I called you here is because I heard something about you I found hard believe-"

"I swear they're lying!" Naruto yelled, cutting her off, "I mean," he continued, seeing Tsunade's suspicions and confused look, "Uh, what where you going to say?"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow at the nervous boy in front of her, "Right….anyway, I got a complaint from a member of the Hyuuga family saying they saw you harassing Hyuuga Neji." Tsunade stared at Naruto, judging his reaction to her statement. She expected him to immediately get angry and start denying it. She didn't expect him to start laughing.

A vein appeared on Tsunade's forehead. "NARUTO!" She shouted, shutting him up, "This is a serious matter! Why the hell are you laughing!?"

"Sorry, Baa-chan," Naruto forced out between giggles, "I just think it's funny that, hehe, somebody complained that I was, hehe, harassing Neji!" He barely finished his sentence before erupting into more fits of laughter.

Tsunade was slowly forming a headache, 'Why'd I take this job again?' she asked herself, "Naruto, just tell me, did you or did you not-" She was cut off (that happens a lot doesn't it?) by a loud blaring sound that resonated throughout the entire tower, causing everyone to go on high alert. Tsunade briskly walked to her door and pulled it open.

"What the hell is going on out here!?" She shouted at one of the hapless chunnin given the unfortunate task of guarding her door.

"It's Anko Tsunade-sama!" the chunnin stammered out while cowering in fear. Tsunade's headache got even worse when another blast shot through the building. Tsunade reached down and lifted the terrified ninja off the floor.

"TELL THE PSYCO THAT SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY THAT TRUMPET OF HERS WITHIN 100 METERS OF ANYTHING THAT CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT IT!" she roared at the nin. Luckily, he was able to control his bladder today; man, Tsunade'd ruined some perfectly good pairs of his pants with her that yelling of hers….

"**NOW!**" Tsunade roared as the chunnin fled for his life. "AND YOU!" she screamed as she turned on Naruto. Or she would have, had he still been in the room. Turns out our hero was smart enough to get out of the danger zone before her wrath was turned on him. This only caused Tsunade to grind her teeth in rage.

"**SHIZUNE!!!**" She roared, "**GET BE A BOTTLE OF SAKE AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!**" this was followed by the resounding slam of the office door.

Shizune sighed from her place in the lobby, and looked wistfully at the clock on the wall.

"Maybe one day she'll last until noon."

* * *

**The.7th.Winged.Baron,** Kuchi would like to apologize for rubbing it in. Well…actually, Kuchi could care less. The important thing here is that the author would like to apologize, and I hope your mouth gets better -;

**Kuchi****'s answers to everything: **

**DarkyNapier, **Shadowslicer. No, Sakura doesn't die her hair. Pink is actually her natural hair color, as hard as that is to believe. Anko dresses as she does because she craves attention. She was abandoned and almost killed by Orochimaru, a person she really looked up to. The betrayal really shook her, so she dresses like that to draw attention to herself, and make her feel accepted and less alone. Also, she likes to humiliate the perverts who stare at her.

**ClevelandtoCharolette,** the fact that you asked so many questions you know the answer too makes me twitch. Of course, I'm a book, so I can't twitch. Your question about which article most greatly influenced the independence of America is an opinionated question, thus has no correct answer. Though, if it did, it would probably be the Declaration of Independence. Duh. Yes, Napoleon was compensating for something. He was 'not all there' if you know what I mean. Gaara stole the cookie from the cookie jar. No, no one cares if a tree falls on a mime in the middle of a forest. The average human head has around 100000 hair follicles. Inigo Montoya's lover was Giulietta, a Contessa in Italy. He had to leave her so he could get revenge on the six-fingered man. You enjoy torturing me because you're a sick, sick little person. I told you, I cannot predict the future, so I have no idea when Yuri the pen comes in. Probably because she doesn't! Kuchi. I have no quest. Red. Shallots. The first author to describe his works as essays was the Frenchman Michel de Montaigne. Doesn't that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? And finally…..yes. Are you happy now?

**K. Furi, **Lee did not steal Gaara's eyebrows. Gaara was born without them. Makes him look freaky doesn't it?

**Birdytwo, **The hippo would win. I'm assuming this fight is taking place in fresh water, so the shark would immediately be killed off. Rhino's can't swim or see well, so they would just randomly charge something. Hippos are extremely territorial, so the hippo would totally destroy the crock _and_ the alligator.


	7. Shino has a secret

OMG I updated!! IS THE WORLD COMING TO AN END!? looks around for falling sky …no, I guess not. Hm….well yeah, I'm updating after around….what, a year? You all hate me now don't you? Well, feel free to put that hatred in a nice little review. In the mean time, READ THE STORY!!

* * *

Our blonde hero was quickly making his way through the busy streets of Konoha, trying to make his way away from the Hokage tower. There was only one thing on his mind: 'Who else has secrets?'

Looking around him, Naruto tried to pick out a new victim. His eyes skimmed over the various civilians that he didn't really know. Every now and then he'd spy someone he recognized. There were Izumo and Kotetsu talking in a dango shop. There was team 10's sensei Asuma having a smoke outside a restaurant. There was Kiba shouting something random at Shino, who seemed uninterested. Wait….

'Hm…Shino,' Naruto thought, 'now there's a guy who could have some secrets.'

Having chosen his target, Naruto picked up the pace to make it back to his apartment. Once back in the privacy of his room, Naruto grabbed Kuchi from his hiding place and picked up a pen.

"What's Shino's biggest secret?"

He closed the notebook and reopened it, anxious to see the response.

"_My my, aren__'__t you a noisy little brat" _Naruto frowned at this, but kept reading, _"How many of your friend__'__s privacies are you going to invade today?"_

"Are you going to answer me or not?"

"_I suppose I have to, otherwise I wouldn__'__t have much of a purpose, would I? Hm…the Aburame kid eh? He has a rather oddly shaped birth mark taking up the majority of his chest."_

"That's it? That's not that interesting."

"_I think you__'__d find it highly amusing. You__'__d have to see it for yourself."_

"Why can't you just tell me what it is?"

"_Nothing in life is easy! I told you what his secret is, if you want to know more, go find it out yourself!"_

"Aren't you supposed to answer all of my questions?!"

Naruto closed the book, but found no answer upon reopening, "Stupid all-knowing notebooks and their stupid sarcastic attitudes," his mind then went into overdrive on how to find out exactly what shape Shino's birthmark was, 'It's embarrassing right?' he thought to himself, 'Otherwise he wouldn't bother hiding it. But what would be embarrassing to have as a birthmark?' Naruto could think of plenty of things, but still didn't know which one it really was.

"Who would know?" he thought out loud, before having a stroke of brilliance. As soon as the world started spinning again (1) he ran out of his apartment in search of Shino's teammates.

* * *

(1) Just incase anyone didn't get the joke; I'm saying the world would stop spinning if Naruto had a stroke of brilliance. Just trying to make it a bit clearer.

**Kuchi****'****s answers to everything:**

**K. Furi,** no, reality will not implode. The natural order might be set off balance a little though. Hinata's hair is indigo because her mother's hair was. Neji's hair is green because it's a gene mutation. That's why all the other Hyuugas have brown hair, because the two in question are special cases. I really don't want to know why you're asking about Tsunade's boobs; maybe you just have an odd fascination with them or something. I suppose I should have seen this coming. They're _mostly_ real. She naturally is a little smaller than that, but her genjutsu makes them seen a little bigger. As soon as the author saw that sinkhole question, she immediately started pestering me about the answer. I'm sad (not really) to say that there is no such sinkhole. No, if you kill a cosplayer it is not the same as killing the person they're dressed up as. If you kill someone dressed up as Michael Jackson, have you _actually_ killed him? No, you haven't.

**Birdytwo,** wow, this is an odd one. Almost all of the Akatsuki are _technically _straight. As in, Pein, Itachi, Deidara, Tobi, Hidan, and Kakuzu would pick a girl over a guy. Konan would pick a guy over a girl. But none of them actually go out seeking relationships. Zetsu's a plant, thus is not attracted to anyone. Sasori is a puppet, and thus has no human emotions.

**SugerHighBadger, **Three words. What. The. Hell. Cows don't turn purple, the moon doesn't play disco music, and the sun will NEVER ask the moon out on a date. And monkeys CAN play video games. But they must be really simple games (like pong) and really smart monkeys. Meow is not a question unless you are a cat. You are not a cat, so thus it is not a question. I cannot tell the future, so I have no idea how many times you'll go to the bathroom before you die. I suggest you get some Riddlin or something else to combat your ADHD.

**And remember, Kuchi loves you 3! **


	8. The search is on!

* * *

God, I need to make these things come out faster. Is there some sort of magical spell that gives me good ideas for stories?

(asks Kuchi)

_"No."_

Crap.

* * *

Rushing through Konoha's busy streets, our hero hoped to find Kiba were he last saw him. Surely he hadn't left yet, right?

Right?

Wrong.

When Naruto arrived back at the place he had seen Shino and Kiba arguing, neither was to be found. Cursing his luck, Naruto ran off to the next logical place to check.

Ichiraku ramen bar.

Because if it's logical for Naruto, that doesn't mean it's logical for anyone else. Besides, he was hungry! Sitting down at his favorite restaurant of all time, Naruto scoped out the area for Kiba, while waiting for his large order to come in.

'Let's see,' he thought, 'where else would Kiba be? I could check his house, or maybe Baa-chan knows!' Content with these thoughts, Naruto proceeded to scarf down his ramen. As he was eating, he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

'Someone's watching me,' he thought, as he quickly turned around in the hopes of catching said previously mentioned someone. Walking by, and glaring at him, was the one and only Hyuuga Neji. Naruto relaxed a bit.

'Neji must still be mad about this morning,' he thought, while holding in laughter at the memory. Suddenly, inspiration struck.

'That's it!' he thought, 'I could ask Neji to look at Shino's birthmark with his eye-thing!' Naruto began to rise from his seat when he had another thought, 'Wait, I'd be wasting perfectly good blackmail if I asked him to do that.' He then sat back down to ponder other options.

'Kiba's out, Neji's out, who else could I ask?' our wonderfully ignorant blond hero questioned. He stared into the depths of his eleventh ramen bowl, willing the wondrous food to give him the answer. The single fishcake had floated of to the side of the bowl, and the leftover noodles seemed to be streaming off from it, almost like sun light- (1)

"THAT'S IT!" Naruto cried, before hastily finishing off his ramen. The prickling sensation on the back of his neck returned, but he ignored it as he slapped some money on the counter, then quickly spun around and ran off in search of the only person he could turn to.

Hidden behind a tree trunk, Hyuuga Hinata proceeded to catch her breath. Naruto had almost caught her…

* * *

Our hero was racing through the streets of Konaha, looking for the one person that could satisfy his curiosity. Disregard the fact that said person was silently stalking him as he made his mad dash through the village. Not a very good ninja is he? Wait, where'd he go?

"BAAAA-CHAAAN!!"

Oh, there he is!

Naruto entered (more like 'burst into') the Hokage's office for the second time that day. Tsunade whipped her head up off the desk it had been previously laying on and glared at the intruder.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" she screached. Upon realizing it was Naruto, she became even angrier, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? YOU JUST LEAVE MY OFFICE IN THE MIDDLE OF QUESTIONING AND THEN BURST IN HERE NOT TWO HOURS LATER?!"

Naruto stared dumbly at her, "Oh yeah, that's right. This was a bad place to come because of the whole 'harrasing Neji' thing," Naruto stroked his chin, as if in deep thought, "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

With a sigh, Tsunade leaned back into her chair, "What do you want brat."

Focusing his attention once again on the blonde woman, Naruto presented his question, "Where's Hinata-chan right now?"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, "How should I know?"

"You're Hokage! Isn't the Hokage supposed to know where her ninjas are?"

"She's not on a mission if that's what you're asking."

"Then where is she?"

"I don't know!"

Naruto furrowed his brow, "Crap. Where would Hinata-chan be at this time of day."

Tsunade shrugged, "Maybe she's training or something. Anyway, why do you want to know?"

Naruto, having only heard the beginning of Tsunade's statement, was already halfway out the door, "Yeah, she's probably training! Thank's Baa-chan!"

Sighing in defeat, Tsunade reorganized the paperwork on her desk, "I'm getting too old for this." Having then made a perfectly suitable pillow out of the documents, she layed down her head, and returned to her nap.

* * *

GASP! Is this some hint of a pairing!?

Actually, probably not. Though as many of you who read my profile know, I am a fan of Naruhina. BUT, I'm planning on keeping this story just about Naruto and his silly adventures with Kuchi. That is, unless the vast majority of you want some sort of Naruhina fluff inserts. Iono, put it in your reviews.

(1) Hinata's name means "a sunny place", so the sun-like apparition in the ramen bowl reminded Naruto of her.

**Kuchi****'****s answers to everything:**

**Lady Tatum, **No, Candyland is not yours to rule. The equation isn't complete. To truly rule Candyland, you must destroy all of its magical inhabitants, and then make your way to the end of the lane. Then you will truly rule the game.

**Swordie Von Demon,** I have no idea who Iruka will end up with, as I cannot see the future. Though, I am slightly creeped out by your apparent obsession with him. Gai is totally straight (as hard as that is to believe) he is merely…..eccentric. Anko has zero talent at the trumpet. She is however a rather accomplished kazoo player. Interesting question; and unfortunately, Sakura is stronger. Physically, she wields more brute strength then Hinata. When it comes to speeds and flexibility, Hinata beats her. But mentally, Sakura is much more confident and has a higher self-esteem than Hinata does. As a notebook I try to remain unbiased. That is to say that I don't particularly like anyone. The author on the other hand, urges me to tell you she wishes Sasuke would die. A rainbow pencil is only gay in the hands of a man. Eating lots of skittles would not cause a person to vomit rainbow. All of the colors of the skittles would blend together in one's stomach, causing the vomit to either be gray, or brownish in color.

**Artful Lounger,** Get up and do something, the title laziest man in the world is already taken. Kishimoto's favorite character happens to be Sasuke, which is why he's giving the broody emo all the attention. His favorite female character is Anko, but we haven't seen her in a long time have we? In the epic battle between Pein and Chuck Norris, Pein would win. Mostly from the fact that there are SIX of him. And Chuck Norris isn't a ninja, no matter how strongly his fan base says he is. Naruto is an idiot 'cause of neglect early in his life. No one taught him anything as a kid, so he had to learn the important crap later on in life. The most honorable Author-sama will not allow me to reveal His name, or hoards of people would swarm Him, seeking His wisdom. Sucks for you. The man wouldn't be hungry, and would most likely have severe indigestion from having eaten all the pasta, then probably die of an overdose of antacid. Oddly enough, the blonde freak has gathered a few admirers, mostly from his "heroic" actions. This includes: Hokuto from Hoshi, and Shion the priestess from Demon Country. Both have absolutely no chance getting him, but such is life. Orochimaru's parents were nondescript ninja's (chunin mother, special jonin father). His mother was killed in a B-ranked mission in Earth Country, while his father died some time afterward of cardiac arrest. Thus caused a spiral of events that eventually led to Orochimaru being the sick and twisted freak he was. You're question about Sakura was an opinon, thus has no answer. Many people think Sakura is wonderful, and apparently you hate her. You're question also speaks of an anger issue. Go get some therapy. To reach zero degrees Kelvin, one would need to travel far enough through space to no longer feel any heat from the sun. Take off your space suit and BAM! Instant absolute zero. Instant death too. The depravity of youth these days astounds me; Anko's panties are black. Now have fun fantasizing about that.

**And remember, Kuchi loves you :3! **


End file.
